just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
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