I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
