I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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