The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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