Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
