how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
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