dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
