We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
