i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Randomize
