I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
