so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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