hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
