the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
