I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Randomize