I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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