any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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