Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
