its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
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