I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
