M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
