Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize