I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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