The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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