Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
