I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
