I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
