Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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