Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
