my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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