I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
