you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
