This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
