Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
