he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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