so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
