Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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