You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Randomize
