Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
