Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
