I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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