I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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