i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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