Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
