is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
