Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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