U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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