Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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