chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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