I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
