My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
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