well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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