If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
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