I didn't shave. On purpose
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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