You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
