This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
