Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
where am i from again
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
