I murdered the dance floor call the cops
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
