I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
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