just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
