Too much gin, very little bucket
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
