So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
