3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
